This is for all you ladies who have ever found yourself in a situation with a partner where things have suddenly changed, make no sense and you feel confused and uncomfortably disconnected. He says he loves you but he’s not in love with you anymore and needs some space…away from you. Ugghhhh – like daggers to the heart.
You’re totally taken by surprise because you are certain you’ve done everything right and everything was fine up until this “out of the blue” blow blindsided you.
You tell your friends and family and they’re shocked because you had this “seemingly” great relationship and it’s everyone’s opinion, including yours, that this is clearly all about HIS issues. It’s obvious this has nothing to do with you and so you sit and wait, and wait, and wait (feeling very dis-empowered and frustrated) for him to figure things out and change.
Have you ever been there? Or maybe it’s happening now? If you are still reading, I’m guessing it has, and it’s no fun. Trust me I know because it happened to me and over the last decade I’ve spoken to thousands of women who this has happened to too. Without question, it’s heartbreaking.
Some of you may be shocked by what you’re about to read next…
Some of you may be shocked by what you’re about to read next- and may not like it -because it’s uncomfortable or painful or something you don’t want to admit or look at, but it’s a truth that will ultimately help you move forward. Here it is ladies…relationships are never one-sided. It always takes two to tango. As hard as that is to hear, and as justified as you may feel denying it, it’s an indisputable truth.
You might be having some choice thoughts about me right now, and that’s ok, I get it – I’ve been there, believe me, I know how you feel. When someone has disconnected from you, maybe betrayed you, lied to you, broken your trust and hurt you it’s super easy to point the finger of blame and focus all your attention on him and what he’s done.
However, a wise woman once said to me, every time you point a finger at someone else, remember you’ve got three pointing back at yourself.
Wow that’s a hard pill to swallow, especially when you feel like the victim, right?
But here’s how it goes – when you are drunk with denial, there comes that inevitable moment when the truth finds you and smacks you sober. This is exactly what happened to me. And as awful as this awakening was, it was truly a blessing in disguise.
When you’re able to take a nanosecond break from blaming him guess what can happen? A surprising sliver of enlightenment will slip in. It was a HUGE “aha” for me – I started to see my dirty laundry, what MY part was in this life-changing reality.
Here are the top 7 “takes two to tango” behaviors that contributed to the demise of my marriage:
- I was controlling
- I was “the fixer”
- Rarely set boundaries and if I did, I didn’t enforce the consequences
- Allowed a lot of his poor behavior to be swept under the carpet.
- Always “the planner”
- Leaned way more into the male role than the feminine (easy to do as a mom or career gal)
- Complained when my expectations weren’t met
And yet by doing all these things I thought I was doing all the right things – sound familiar?
I had no clue I had usurped his masculinity. Wow that was a shocking revelation. Some of you may relate to this and perhaps find yourself engaging in some of these behaviors too. Let’s face it, women are so capable and we step in for various reasons but it can be to our detriment – especially in a heterosexual relationship.
Or maybe nothing from this list describes you – in that case I invite you to ask yourself this question:
“In what way have I contributed to this situation?”
Listen for the answer. If you are having a hard time figuring it out – take the elevator in your mind to a higher power – whatever that is for you – God/The Infinite/Source – and ask the above question. You will get an answer.
I share this with you in the hopes it will save you days, weeks, months, even years of pain. If you’re willing to open to the possibility that you have or had (this can help with past relationships too) a part in your relationship changing it will catapult your healing and understanding of the situation.
Because the truth is you can never change the other person, you can only change yourself – that’s where your point of power lays. What I know is this is the BEST way to shift the dynamics of your partnership. If you’re in, commit to taking your focus off your partner and shine the light of awareness on your own beautiful Self. Empowerment and happiness awaits you – I promise:)