I was recently reading Dr. Henry Cloud’s book on Boundaries and there’s a part where he comments on a conversation he had with a client – it reminded me of many of the talks I’ve had with my clients and thought it might be helpful for you.
Dr. Cloud’s client was proud of the major progress she had made setting boundaries with her partner, kids and co-workers yet this particular day she said she had a new boundary issue.
Her conversation went something like this, “I haven’t told you about this relationship before, though I guess I should have. I have tremendous boundary problems with this woman. She eats too much and has an attacking tongue. She’s undependable and let’s me down all the time. And she’s spent money of mine and hasn’t paid me back in years.” Dr. Cloud asked her why she hadn’t mentioned her before and she answered, “ Because it’s me.”
Have you had a similar experience doll?
Pogo Possum, cartoonist Walt Kelly’s swamp character sums it up pretty well, “ We have met the enemy and he is us”.
Most of us suffer with this conflict – vowing to do something, breaking our commitment and then beating ourselves up – ay yi yi such a hellacious cycle! We need to break that no good sequence pronto!
Here’s how you do it.
It’s pretty simple and boils down to practicing self-love on a daily basis to honor all that you are. Are you including that in your daily routine love? If you are like most women the answer is no. You get busy, you get distracted, you minimize your accomplishments, you let your limiting patterns run your life and you forget to fawn over YOU! Because amnesia is so common reminders are essential!!
Follow these 7 tips to set some strong personal boundaries:
1) Write yourself a love letter. I mean really gush all over you. You are digging for your diamonds here so get out your pick, put on your mining hard hat and start excavating. If this is hard for you or you draw a blank ask a good friend or family member to help you discover your dazzle.
2) Combat the critics. Ah yes, the stealth committee of your mind—always at your service to run you over the coals. When they show up en force simply say, “Thank you for sharing, but no thanks! I choose to live with brilliance not bullying.”
3) Speak your truth—at all times, no matter what. Even if you think the conversation will be hard, show up with honesty and come from love. This honors who you are as well as the recipient.
4) Practice self-care. Listen to your body and take care of your needs! Eat when you’re hungry, sleep when you’re tired, get a massage, indulge in a mani pedi, exercise, and kick any destructive habits/addictions like alcohol, drugs, and food abuse. You may need a village to help you and that’s okay. Don’t be afraid to reach out—you are worth it! There is plenty of support waiting to help you shine
5) Accept yourself—no matter what your race, color, height, weight or gender, just accept the facts. You cannot change these things. If you don’t accept them you will cripple yourself—let go of what you cannot change and choose to celebrate instead.
6)Find evidence that supports how wonderful you are!
Every day you are going to be faced with situations that challenge your state of being, but when you understand that your heart inherently holds the blueprint for love, joy and happiness and all you have to do is tune in you’ll discover you’re not so burdened when things go awry. And ultimately, when you fall in love with YOU, the world will too!
7) Celebrate your accomplishments!! Toast them with a friend or your partner, buy yourself flowers, treat yourself to a massage – do something to make a big deal of what you’ve done. I just had this conversation with a client of mine – when you minimize your winnings that’s sending a message that you aren’t grateful for these gifts. It’s also not very loving to yourself – you’ve worked hard so take time to high five yourself instead of being the tyrannical task master!
Follow these 7 tips and learn to set boundaries with yourself by loving you and watch your world get happy! xo